


Thou Traitorous Heart

by QueenOfNewOrleans22



Category: Young Guns (Movies)
Genre: A Light Sprinkling Of Angst., Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mild Fluff, Religious Guilt, Shakespeare., Thoughts about Life, poem fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:07:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24165595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenOfNewOrleans22/pseuds/QueenOfNewOrleans22
Summary: Doc writes, and thinks, and watches. Chavez is involved in all of those.
Relationships: Jose Chavez y Chavez/Josiah "Doc" Scurlock
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	Thou Traitorous Heart

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Elamae](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elamae/gifts).



> I read an analysis of Blow, Blow Thou Winter's Wind by W. Shakespeare and it sounded fitting. My apologies if it doesn't quite fit my story. Disclaimer-This Poem isn't mine! Nor are the characters.  
> Anyways, enjoy!

_Blow, Blow Thou Winter's Wind_

Oh, how can one be so lucky? Doc doesn't know, and as he fights to recount, word for word, the words he'd read so long ago, to remember and clear his hazy memory, knowing but not, still out of reach, just beyond comprehension. He didn't know how one could be so lucky, but He did know how one could be so unlucky- Falling into a lie and trying to keep up with that lie. Oh, he knew a thing or two about _that_ , didn't he? Knew that lying for you nowhere, especially a lie with such big consequences. 

_Thou art not so unkind_

Tunstall had gone off to Town with Steve, leaving Charlie and Chavez and Dick and Doc to fend for themselves for a bit while They got Pig Feed and such. It was hardly an annoyance to watch them go, because Steve wasn't exactly pleasant in any sense of the word. Doc would say, if asked, that Steve got on His Nerves most whenever They found themselves together, doing chores or just eating, side-by-side with Doc wondering if He could scoot a little farther without being noticed. 

_As man's ingratitude_

But, for the most part, Steve aside, life on Tunstalls's Ranch was Nice, even Great, with a comfortable bed and that knowing that, when you walked into The House after a Long Day's work, that There'd be something to eat. No Real threats of danger beyond a few scraps here and there, nothing too dramatic, nothing really dangerous. Doc was reassured by that, the safety, if it weren't for the animosity held by Lincoln county toward Tunstall, who seemed to have done nothing to evoke their wrath..besides them. 

_They tooth is not so keen_

Were they the reason that Tunstall seemed to drag glares and mutters with Him every time He rode into Town? Yes, probably, more than likely. Why else? Why else would they? People didn't grow hateful for no reason. Wait. No, that was wrong. People grew plenty hateful for no reason. Just for different reasons. 

_Because thou art not seen_

Doc knew for a fact that People grew angry just because of their own inherent hate. That Time and Prejudice were the only because, the only why, the only given answer. That People didn't understand what they didn't grow up knowing and seeing, and that manifested when even the slightest threat of such a thing happening popped up right before their eyes. 

_Although thy breath be rude_

Doc heard something, and the only thing that stilled His Right Hand, which immediately went for His Rifle, was The Yell of "It ain't that hard!" By Dick, which relaxed Doc, if not by much, because now, at least, He knew Charlie had just messed up. No big deal. Chancing whatever lay ahead, Doc glanced up and scanned the area, looking beyond the clumps of snow and into the beyond, watching for a certain, familiar face and, sure enough, Chavez was in view, examining one of His Knives with interest. Dark Hair shielded much of His face, but Doc could see the vague outline, and His Nose, and that satisfied Him enough to let Doc return to His Poem. 

_Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho! unto the green holly_

Chavez made Doc feel warm. Chavez made Doc feel joyful. Chavez made Doc feel all sorts of emotions that He hardly dared speak of, Chavez didn't make Doc feel awkward, or embarrassed, when words failed and left him only with thoughts and gestures of failure, when Doc found his only escape, the only place where words flourished better than they did with Himself, with his journal and whatever Poems that Tunstall owned. Chavez didn't tease like Steve, He just ignored it, didn't seem to notice when Doc stumbled or was left in sudden silence. And that was better than much of anything that had happened to Doc this far in life. 

_Most freindship if feigning, most loving mere folly_

Chavez made Doc feel happy, and in spite of the implications that arose with that knowledge, it made Doc smile, and very nearly feel better from whatever plagued him, whenever He thought of Chavez and The fact that Chavez was there, always a bystander, and that He wouldn't leave, not yet, not soon, _please not ever._ But Doc was a reasonable man, and with that, knew what happened when One Man Loved Another. It wasn't right, but Doc had always prided Himself on being able to see things in a different light. Not that if made a difference. 

_Then, heigh-ho, the holly!_

Doc knew perfectly well what would happen if they were caught. If anybody discovered this little secret. Hanging, or some other form of permanent punishment. And though it went against His previous thoughts of seeing things different, that came with a wave of shame that washed over Doc, shame and that feeling of doing a bad deed, and knowing you were doing it, but not stopping. 

_This life is most jolly_

Doc was on a Train destined to crash, and He'd dragged Chavez along with no thought. There was little in way of options, and Chavez would almost certainly suffer the same fate as Doc if Bad Luck were to be on their side. Which it probably was. After all, God offered room for mistakes, just not the kind in which you had relations with the same sex. 

_Freeze, freeze thou bitter sky_

That's how Doc felt, at least. And though He still treasured that cross, tucked underneath His Bed, a previous token of the previous Life that Doc lived, back when He didn't live the life of a former outlaw wannabe Doctor, back when He was one of many, many Children, obedient and loving, back when He was Josiah G Scurlock, normal and just one of the crowd, He also felt a little anger, and a little questioning toward God, who was said to love everybody, just not him. 

_That does not bite so nigh_

Sad. Scared. Curious. Clever. Doc hummed, and watched, out of the corner of His eye, as a Bird landed beside him, a pretty little black crow. With its inky black feathers, and beady eyes, Doc wondered if its imagined misfortune had led it and so many others to feel much like Doc did, like an outcast. 

_As benefits forgot_

Tunstall was like a Father. Dick and Charlie and maybe, perhaps, Steve felt like Brothers- and Chavez, Thoughtful and Knowing, felt like Heaven in its purest, yet sinful form. Doc knew that it was illegal, but couldn't stop himself, and didn't know how to. 

_Though thou the waters warp_

Doc was sinning. He was sinning and couldn't help himself, besides stopping, except He didn't feel like stopping, not now, not later. Not ever. Not ever did Doc want what He had with Chavez to stop. Call it Selfish, call it stupid. Doc wondered if Chavez felt the same. 

_Thy sting is not so sharp_

He was a sinner. He was a lover. He was a christian. He treasured Faith and God, and He treasured Chavez, and it shouldn't have felt like a choice, except it did, except it was. 

_As a friend remembered not_

Maybe Chavez wanted it to continue, or it to stop. Maybe He'd say so later, when they were alone, or just refuse to come altogether. Possibly, He felt that same desire, and wanted it, perhaps lesser than Doc did, perhaps more. 

_Heigh-ho! sing, heigh-ho! unto the green holly_

Would they stop? Would they continue onto The path to fiery oblivion? 

_Most friendship if feigning, most loving mere folly._

Would this be the last time Doc would know Chavez, not as a friend but as a lover? 

_Then heigh-ho! the holly!_

From afar, Tunstall and Steve came into view, and Doc watched as Dick rode toward them, and Charlie struggled to untangle himself from a rope, and Doc could see Chavez, and didn't miss when Chavez's eyes met his, and when His Lips turned up into a smile, directed at Doc, the most beautiful thing He'd ever seen. 

_This life is most jolly._

**Author's Note:**

> I am a Christian, and this is how I imagine some LGBTQ feel toward Religion and their sexuality, I do not mean any disrespect towards either.


End file.
